Till about two years in the past, no one actually cared in regards to the CDC. Now, everybody has an opinion about them, and regardless of the place you occur to face on issues of public well being it’s nearly actually unfavorable. On this sense, the CDC is the Invoice de Blasio of presidency businesses–universally derided by folks of all stripes.

However what do they are saying about bikes? What info do the folks tasked with holding Individuals wholesome have for the safety-minded velocipedist who aspires to not die? Nicely, I checked the CDC web site’s bicycle security part, the place I realized you’re extra prone to die on a motorbike than in a automotive:

That is hardly shocking, since of the remaining 99% of vacationers, many are in vehicles–you understand, the issues which are hurting and killing the cyclists. So, the primary takeaway is easy: for max security, be in a automotive. That method you’ll save lives and cash!

Sadly, so long as folks insist on using bikes, the issue will persist:

I are likely to query the accuracy of this knowledge, since as a bicycle owner myself I understand how little we contribute to society, and even when you took the whole thing of us out of fee there’s no method we’d make a $10 billion dent. Then once more…

Give it some thought: John Kerry is now the Local weather Czar of the US, and if he have been to seek out himself incapacitated as soon as once more it may imply not solely an enormous monetary loss however doubtlessly the tip of human life on Earth, since he wouldn’t be capable to fly to the local weather occasions which are the one factor holding us alive at this level:

I ponder what number of Serottas he had to purchase to offset the flight to Iceland. I’m fairly positive when you take a non-public jet to a Gran Fondo the 2 issues cancel one another out.

And sure, clearly the numerous well being advantages of biking ought to be utilized in opposition to the potential price of biking damage and demise to society, and you’ll ensure the CDC included this as effectively:

So far as the cyclists most in danger, as with just about each different exercise, it’s drunk males:

I’m not shocked to learn that males die six instances extra typically than females; I died a minimum of 3 times simply on my fast bike experience to the submit workplace immediately, however thankfully I lived to inform about it.

However even when you’re a drunk male like me all is just not misplaced; the CDC has some methods you may scale back that threat, they usually don’t even contain doing inconvenient issues like altering your gender or being sober:

Are you able to guess what they’re?

Simply kidding!

You already knew it was going to be helmets–although additionally they go the additional American Freedom Mile™ by claiming helmet legal guidelines make cyclists safer::

The place can I’m going to report them for well being misinformation?

Not solely that, however helmets and helmet legal guidelines are “Efficient Interventions,” whereas utilizing lights and designing higher roads are merely “Promising:”

That final bit linked to The Pedestrian and Bicycle Data Heart, the place my suspicions that we’re being subtly primed for an entire robotic takeover have been instantly confirmed:

There have been additionally some movies on the right way to forestall crashes:

Like this one about the correct hook:

I don’t wish to be That Man, however shouldn’t a security video make a minimum of passing point out of the truth that a great way to keep away from collisions is to equip your bike with a brake?

After all he does have the helmet, in order that’s all that counts.

Anyway, aside from that I had actual no actual points with the video, which even featured some newbie stunt using:

Actually it was fairly clear from the video that the important thing to bicycle security is…motorcar security.

Sadly, I don’t assume our authorities businesses are getting the message:

Hey, simply put helmets on the corpses! Downside solved.